damnit

why do *I* have to put up with these freaking hallucinations? i’ve dealt with them for 23 freaking years. enough is enough is enough is enough. i don't want to do it anymore. BUT I DONT HAVE A CHOICE. everybody just takes every fucking thing for granted. drive a car? oh, i cant do that. work for my money? oh, i can earn honest money for hard work. can’t even feel like a man who works for his money. get the mail? i can’t do that. do my wash downstairs. oh, i can’t do that. go to Facebook without thinking all my friends are secretly making fun of me? oh, i can’t do that.
and i have to put up with the same assholes in the world as everyone else, only thing is i got assholes 24/7, even when i’m 100% alone as the voices don’t let up. i’m so fucking tired of being insulted by thin air. being threatened to the point that i’m afraid. and there is no way out, schizophrenia is for LIFE. this wont go away till i DIE. i try so much to be positive, but my life is filled with negative shit. i can’t take  vacation because my mind is the problem, and it’s always with me.

i'm working on writing a book, and i was going to put the following into that book, but i think it serves it's purpose better if it's freely available in this blog about schizophrenia. this is unedited though so it's 100% about MY experiences with schizophrenia and schizophrenia is different for every individual to a degree.
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“My Life With Schizophrenia”

-Nicholas P. Wilde

June 19th 2016

-chapter 1, introduction

Allow me to start with a line and intro that might grab you.

Living with schizophrenia is like living in a haunted house 100% of the time. And I can’t escape it, even going to another location, the haunted house follows me.

You see, paranoia, and hallucinations are only two of the symptoms - they’re both scary as hell though. I have sound hallucinations in the form of people yelling at me, or insulting me, or threatening me. Supposedly they come from my own mind, so they know my greatest fears. They know what hurts most, and they know just how to use it to send me into a panic attack.

The paranoia gets so bad that I think people can read my mind over the internet when I’m playing multiplayer games. I begin to think I’m on a secret TV channel nobody tells me about that is broadcasted world wide just for people to joke about me and make fun of me.

It’s been a bumpy 23 years. I was diagnosed with social anxiety at age 13, and slowly the diagnosis progressed to schizoaffective that I have now, which is like having bipolar and schizophrenia combined.

“auditory hallucinations”

phantom of the opera

the opera of silent screams

tension
fear

can’t understand what i hear

shattering glass screaming at me
what the fuck did i do to deserve this, please tell me

voices without owners yelling and cussing
the whole time they’re mind fucking

and i can’t get away
holding on for a brighter day

wanting to slash my wrists
so stressed, so pissed

Dear God, get me out of this mess

ill

i haven’t been healthy as far as i can tell. i have been paranoid lots. in the past 3 or 4 days i’ve thought taco bell was poking fun at me in their commercials, i’ve thought a ted video was trying to insult me, and i even feel like i’ve ticked off the president so much that he is making fun of me when he is a quality person and would not pick on one citizen to “go after” at all. not to mention there are people a lot worse than i am - i just type out my thoughts, and right or wrong as they may be, they’re still just my thoughts. i even thought i telepathically heard the president tell me he doesn't need or want me to support him. this is what my illness does to me.

just another entry

i’m kind of drunk right now, and i admit that. it’s an escape from the constant anxiety i feel. i wish the meds were enough to do that, but simply, they’re not.

it’s tough living the life of a schizophrenic. i went to the mental health center a few days ago to get my every-other-week injection of risperdal, and i met another bitter person with schizophrenia. i tried talking with her, and she did say a few things, but she was pissed off at the world and everything and everyone in it. but it’s hard not to be, and i understand why she is like that. in our perceptions, the entire world hates us or is out to get us. i get so paranoid that i think i’m being broadcasted world wide on a secret TV channel for people to poke fun at me, and i *believe* this. so it’s tough not to be angry. i just have to tell myself “nick, your paranoid, you think in a paranoid way, it’s not true” but of course, thats tough to believe.

i always am looking for an escape. alcohol or other drugs. and people say it’s wrong, but they don’t understand how tough this is. i’m trying to keep my ass out of prison, because lots of the time i want to blow up and not harm anyone but yell as loud as i can about all the stuff that is difficult in my life. all the stress this illness brings on. paranoia, hallucinations, depression, anxiety, battling all this stuff, and i’m just a simple person, just like you! but this illness expects me to be a super man!

at times i get so paranoid (and irrational!) that i think my mom is after me for my lousy 800$ per month that i get from SSI, when she makes that much in half a week. but see, with this illness, a person doesn’t always see things the way they are, we miss the obvious signs. in fact we look at all the non-obvious signs that indicate more and more that things are the way we see them, we add up the wrong signs, unaware that they’re the wrong signs. it’s like our brains purposely look for the wrong information, and tell it to us as the right information. and we’re trying to figure it out because we know our brains don’t work right. it all gets very confusing.

-for now i’m going to edit this, but i might edit/add later :) -

broken mind
dirty tricks

gears grind
pick up sticks


believing the delusional dream
caught day dreaming and mis-believing


perhaps we should go sight seeing, and believe me, you’ll remember *everything*


plague baring apples on teachers desk
men with no heads cashing bad checks
i’m a prisoner in hell, or do i mean heck

day light screams, remember these things
how many times does the door bell ring?

at midnight the old Gods awaken and do their things

my mother insists that my poems on schizophrenia can truly open peoples minds to the illness and what having it is really like. so here we go, another schizophrenia poem.
- - - -

it’s difficult to care when your own mind is your enemy
trying to see through the paranoia, the hallucinations, the anxiety

when medications don’t work you do things you shouldn’t have
just trying to rid these fears anyway you can

you feel like a whore selling your body for money
only your selling it for drugs to bring temporary relief

the hallucinations shout, scream and cuss at you
all the negativity directed at you makes it tough to not have a “fuck you” attitude

paranoia hits so hard you don’t have anyone to trust
and you feel like a coward, afraid of your reality in disgust

and you better be born with a good brain in your head
otherwise this illness puts you in prison, on the streets, or dead