damnit

why do *I* have to put up with these freaking hallucinations? i’ve dealt with them for 23 freaking years. enough is enough is enough is enough. i don't want to do it anymore. BUT I DONT HAVE A CHOICE. everybody just takes every fucking thing for granted. drive a car? oh, i cant do that. work for my money? oh, i can earn honest money for hard work. can’t even feel like a man who works for his money. get the mail? i can’t do that. do my wash downstairs. oh, i can’t do that. go to Facebook without thinking all my friends are secretly making fun of me? oh, i can’t do that.
and i have to put up with the same assholes in the world as everyone else, only thing is i got assholes 24/7, even when i’m 100% alone as the voices don’t let up. i’m so fucking tired of being insulted by thin air. being threatened to the point that i’m afraid. and there is no way out, schizophrenia is for LIFE. this wont go away till i DIE. i try so much to be positive, but my life is filled with negative shit. i can’t take  vacation because my mind is the problem, and it’s always with me.

i'm working on writing a book, and i was going to put the following into that book, but i think it serves it's purpose better if it's freely available in this blog about schizophrenia. this is unedited though so it's 100% about MY experiences with schizophrenia and schizophrenia is different for every individual to a degree.
----

“My Life With Schizophrenia”

-Nicholas P. Wilde

June 19th 2016

-chapter 1, introduction

Allow me to start with a line and intro that might grab you.

Living with schizophrenia is like living in a haunted house 100% of the time. And I can’t escape it, even going to another location, the haunted house follows me.

You see, paranoia, and hallucinations are only two of the symptoms - they’re both scary as hell though. I have sound hallucinations in the form of people yelling at me, or insulting me, or threatening me. Supposedly they come from my own mind, so they know my greatest fears. They know what hurts most, and they know just how to use it to send me into a panic attack.

The paranoia gets so bad that I think people can read my mind over the internet when I’m playing multiplayer games. I begin to think I’m on a secret TV channel nobody tells me about that is broadcasted world wide just for people to joke about me and make fun of me.

It’s been a bumpy 23 years. I was diagnosed with social anxiety at age 13, and slowly the diagnosis progressed to schizoaffective that I have now, which is like having bipolar and schizophrenia combined.