just another entry

i’m kind of drunk right now, and i admit that. it’s an escape from the constant anxiety i feel. i wish the meds were enough to do that, but simply, they’re not.

it’s tough living the life of a schizophrenic. i went to the mental health center a few days ago to get my every-other-week injection of risperdal, and i met another bitter person with schizophrenia. i tried talking with her, and she did say a few things, but she was pissed off at the world and everything and everyone in it. but it’s hard not to be, and i understand why she is like that. in our perceptions, the entire world hates us or is out to get us. i get so paranoid that i think i’m being broadcasted world wide on a secret TV channel for people to poke fun at me, and i *believe* this. so it’s tough not to be angry. i just have to tell myself “nick, your paranoid, you think in a paranoid way, it’s not true” but of course, thats tough to believe.

i always am looking for an escape. alcohol or other drugs. and people say it’s wrong, but they don’t understand how tough this is. i’m trying to keep my ass out of prison, because lots of the time i want to blow up and not harm anyone but yell as loud as i can about all the stuff that is difficult in my life. all the stress this illness brings on. paranoia, hallucinations, depression, anxiety, battling all this stuff, and i’m just a simple person, just like you! but this illness expects me to be a super man!

at times i get so paranoid (and irrational!) that i think my mom is after me for my lousy 800$ per month that i get from SSI, when she makes that much in half a week. but see, with this illness, a person doesn’t always see things the way they are, we miss the obvious signs. in fact we look at all the non-obvious signs that indicate more and more that things are the way we see them, we add up the wrong signs, unaware that they’re the wrong signs. it’s like our brains purposely look for the wrong information, and tell it to us as the right information. and we’re trying to figure it out because we know our brains don’t work right. it all gets very confusing.

-for now i’m going to edit this, but i might edit/add later :) -